I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
