Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
