I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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