I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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