I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
