either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
