Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
