I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
This is the high leading the old right now
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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