just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We're too hungover to prance.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
