Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
