She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
