Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
