Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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