my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
