Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
