the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
