I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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