Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
