Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
