my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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