I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
