Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
