I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
