So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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