Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
