i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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