What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
