She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
