2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize