Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
