her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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