Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
