I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
