people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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