can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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