Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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