Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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