Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
