If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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