he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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