soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize