I met the friendliest cop last night
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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