Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
