It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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