Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
