Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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