Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
