pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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