Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
