this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
