I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
