I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
