Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
