Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
