hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
