I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
