why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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