i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
