You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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