My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
