i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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