So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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