all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Every concussion has its silver lining
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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