my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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