I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
