you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize