we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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