just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
