Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
