bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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