Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
