you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
