His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i think i have two assholes
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
