There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
